A Day in the Life of Newt Scamander
by Clam Chowder1
Summary: Follow the legendary Newt Scamander through a day in his life, in which he encounters fear, nostalgia, strange revelations, severe memory loss and the wrath of his wife Porpentina. Utterly, utterly silly.


**Disclaimer: **The Author does not own these characters, and holds no responsibility for loss of dignity suffered in the reading of this fic. Writing style courtesy of Helen Fielding, of 'Bridget Jones' fame.

**Author's Notes: **'F' and 'B-sharp'

**The _Real Author's Notes: _**This was a challenge given to me a few months ago, which I wrote and posted on my LiveJournal, and then promptly forgot about. Dragged out and edited for your viewing pleasure.

Newt Scamander wrote 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them'. If you would like to know more about him, I recommend a Google search, because I am too lazy to tell you. 

For continuity's sake, lets assume that this occurs during GoF. Lets also assume that I was very, very tired when I wrote this.

**"A Day in the Life of Me"**

By 

Newt Scamander 

**_5.00am_****__**

Thought I saw a large brown Hippogriff land in front of the Rogerson's house. It appeared to have a very scruffy-looking man sitting upon it, who got off and ran into the back garden, and later returned to the Hippogriff holding four pairs of Mrs Rogerson's knickers. Filthy scoundrel! 

Ran outside immediately, but was stopped by my wife Porpentina, who didn't think that the neighbours would appreciate seeing me in my birthday suit. She thought she was pretty clever, telling me that the suit was 'too wrinkly' to be seen in public, which I didn't think was amusing in the least. I have a killer body for a 106 yr-old. 

_Revelation_ - Porpentina is absolutely no fun at all.

**_5.07am_****__**

_New revelation_ – Porpentina is an incredibly silly name.

**_6.48am_****__**

Woke to sounds of that odd fellow next door being savaged by my pet Kneazles. Now I have to fork over six hundred Galleons for a new leg. Not a promising start to the day.

**_7.30am_****__**

Daily Prophet crossword is very hard today. What's a ten-letter word for 'stupid prat'? 

**_7.32am_****__**

Daily Prophet hotline gives the answer as 'Gryffindor'.

_Revelation_ – Information system in wizarding world controlled entirely by Slytherins.

****

**_8.17am_****__**

****

That stupid Brandstroke fellow from the Werewolf Registry called in today, wanting to know if those rumours that werewolves could disguise themselves as indoor plants were true. 

Idiot – everybody already knows that it's true.

**_8.24am_****__**

_Revelation_ - A quick flick through my old research book has informed me that the rumours are, in fact, not true after all. Must call Registry and fix that before they destroy all of their ferns. 

**_8.37am_****__**

Porpentina gave me a funny look when I told her about my error. I'm one hundred and six years old for crying out loud! My memory isn't as good as it used to be.

**_8.38am_****__**

Have lost my journal.

**_1.58 pm_****__**

****

Received rather odd letter from somebody called 'Lovegood', who wanted to know why my latest edition of '_Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them' didn't include Crumple-Horned Snorkacks._

**_2.45pm_****__**

****

Albus Dumbledore has invited me to speak to a third-year Care of Magical Creatures class this afternoon about the potential dangers of sticking dried billywig stings up your nose. 

Bless him, he still remembers me.

**_3.40pm_****__**

Arrival at Hogwarts did not go well. Had not been inside the castle for more than ten minutes before I was violently accosted by a large bearded man with an indecipherable accent, who told me he was "this close to cross-breeding a leprechaun and a lethifold". Managed to smack him with his own umbrella. Feelings of superiority were quelled when he started crying.

_Revelation_ – my 'Ban on Experimental Breeding Act' may not have been entirely successful….

**_3.54pm_****__**

****

Things have rapidly gotten worse. My old 'House-Elf Relocation' office days have come back to haunt me. Was harassed on the way to the lecture by an annoying little House-Elf named 'Dubby' or somesuch. Seemed very upset about something, as he kept shrieking "Why? Why them? Why did it have to be _them_?" and hitting himself on the head.

Must talk to Ministry Officials about the possibility of relocating all House-Elves to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

**_4.50pm_****__**

****

After such a bad start, lecture to Care of Magical Creatures class went splendidly, all things considered. I told them all about my adventurous exploits around the four corners of the globe and they loved every minute of it.

_Revelation_ – fifth year boys enjoy my graphic Veela stories. 

**_5.12pm_****__**

****

All of this talking about my treasured youth has made me yearn for new adventures. I'm off to find a dragon or hag to capture. And maybe a few more Veela, if I can find the time. 

**_5.14pm_****__**

****

Wife kindly informed me that there are no hags in Dorset. I don't know Porpentina – I can think of at least **one hag in close proximity…..**

****

**_5.17pm_****__**

Porpentina has discovered my journal.

_Revelation_ – My wife is a very temperamental creature.

**_5.20pm_****__**

_Amended revelation_ – Some burns are _very_ difficult to treat. 

**_6.00pm_****__**

****

Made list of things needed for a daring quest. They are, as follows; 

~ Bertie Botts pyjamas

~ Toothbrush

~ Travelling kettle

~ Diary – [erm, I mean – _Journal]_

~ Wand

~ Map of world

~ Broomstick with amusing 'I brake for nobody' tail sticker.

~ Dragon-repellent

Ahhh – I can almost feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins! And I _would_ be almost able to hear the wind rushing through my hair - if it weren't for that constant ringing in my ears from that time I stuck my wand in too far. In any case, I feel like I'm seventy-two again!

**_6.30pm_****__**

****

Right. I've dug up all of my old equipment. Ready to embark on the adventure of a lifetime. Just as soon as I feed Hoppy and Mauler, of course.

**_6.40pm_****__**

On second thoughts, will go dragon-hunting after dinner.

**_7.00pm_****__**

After 'Wheel of Fortune', I swear.

**_7.42pm_****__**

****

Screw adventure. Bed looks too inviting. Nighty-night!

------------------

_Some Notes_ – Just in case you didn't catch it, the bloke stealing underpants was Sirius. Why? Because he's a dirty young man, that's why. :D Hoppy and Mauler are kneazles.


End file.
